littlemisssomebody's Blog

I have this vision in my mind, I can clearly see the outlook post where I'm holding my camera out in front of me taking a video of the vblog I'm going to post here - where all you can hear out there is my voice, and looking at the stunning view.

 

I can almost smell the salty spray coming off the water below me, I'm telling you all how there is no way I'm appearing on cam for you but you can hear me instead - telling you all what an amazing place New Zealand is, and how out scenery  is second to none....

Then from behind me he appears, I can feel his warm body against mine.  He wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the cheek.  He's laughing at me being so shy.  I see his fingers envelop mine and hear him in my ear saying to you all "Now this.... this is a far better view!" he pushes the camera down and focuses in on my swelling breasts, gasping I tell him "You can't show all ep that!"  

He laughs, moves the camera out a little further looking at my swollen, very pregnant belly and proudly says "Now this, this is all mine!"

I then wake up.  A glowing smile upon my face.  A sense of something more.

 

Troubled waters run deep.  Waves of emotions stilled.  A tear runs down.  A moment stilled in silence.  Words unspoken jumbled, together alone.  Peace in pieces.  Arms wound each other.  No longer together alone.

 

Note:  I'm not a man okay...but the rest fits.

 

I'm not one for verses from the bible, but this one appeared brought in by the pastor of the church next door.  I started to read it as I packed up Friday... serendipity is alive and well indeed.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient; love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

So here's to love of all forms, may it be as sweet and cherished, given freely at peace.  May it never be said without true meaning, and may it always be true.  Without love there can not be hate, for hate is just another emotion.  Let the love flow in all it's glory, like a river seeking the depths of the sea, and may the love I have you match the love you have for me.

 

I talk to my food.... Sprinkles you're my favourite donut, you will be sadly missed nom nom nom *burp*

 

The passing breath stills on my lips, a gasp held in ferments.  A moment of sadness that once lay in my gut filters like a smoking reef.  Truth held tight, mystery lost, a sounder souls veneer.  But it's okay, I got the broccoli out and the cheese was still good.

When you are lonely, I wish you love.

When you are down, I wish you joy.

When you are troubled, I wish you peace.

When things are complicated, I wish you simple beauty.

When things are chaotic, I wish you inner silence.

When things are empty, I wish you hope.

-  Kristone.

The pain sinks eating away at my being.  Discontinuation of something that meant so much for such a short time, that lasts longer, that's no more than a distant faded memory.  So simple to lie, only to walk so far away.  Lies told for a second, fabricated for what seems so little, meant so much, staggering another heartbeat that continues to pound minute by minute.. Long time gone, long time forgotten, long time to be free.

The tree sits alone
It's branches long and thin
Spindly leaves fossic the sky
Seeking the lights and breathing the impurities left by man
The baron soil is leeched of it's goodness,
Sustenance drained from within
Withering the leaves
Draining all strength
Slowly killing all that inhabits it.

Feelings once lay here,
Feelings now gone.
A brighter light now shines here,
A grave lite by dawn.
I said goodbye to those feelings,
I bid there fare thee well.
I kissed goodbye to emotion,
And slashed it all to hell.
A new life I lead,
One without the pain.
It filtered away like old dust,
With the warmest rain..

 

I feel like I've lost myself again.  I know to a degree why, but the how to get it back seems to stiffle me at the moment.  Getting up is hard to do, let alone trying to make myself look even slightly presentable to the word.  I just want to crawl up in a ball and sleep all day to escape it.  I can't even be bothered trying to pretend, I just am. 

I had an epiphany of sorts, how come I can come home after being away six months and allow others to look after me, in yet stay at my home and not?

The smallest of things I've grown used to having as an expectation on myself (ie struggling to live) and now I really don't need to do that anymore.  I found myself paying off a few bills - and over paying them so that next time the bill won't be so great (having in the past done this when I had money and making sure that when I didn't that I could still afford to live as well as keep out of debt!).  See the thing is, I have a full time paying job now.  I'm qualified, and registered, and I no longer need to struggle as much!  The biggest hurdle is in my head!

I've made the realisation, but constantly battle with the other voice in my head that says...be careful....stay in fear.....you never know what's next..  Buggar this I'm allowed to be free.

What next is now an exciting question!

 

I think I could be one hell of a serial killer, if only I didn't have a conscience..

any takers?

 
Omg it's finally here...2 days to go and I can't wait!  Looking great, feeling great, less the baggage and the occasional arsehole - some of you will be please to hear!  I'm so glad it's over at last..

Thank you to those who have helped out directly and indirectly during the time I've been on ep, the support of having people round to talk to, rant and rave at, and bounce ideas off of - whether you realised or not. 

I will be fully cooked in 2 days time - as my old lecturer would say. 

Now roll on work, peace, love, and happiness..oh that's right I already have it =) 

Mwahs and loves

LMS

Sunlight bounces off the rusty shed, as the birds float in the cloudless sky.  Laying on the lounger basking in the dreamy twilight of dusk, she reminisces of the day that hath gone by.  

A year of terror, fraught with moonless suspense juggling emotions that churn within.  Built on the dream of another, realisation of ones outlook that's been turned inside out.

The meaty flesh strewn, the veiney underside laid bare, muscles tensing throbbing as life's blood force pulses through..

Get out she screams in her mind.  You're not welcome in my head any longer.  

Ripping flesh folds out, the skin now peeled back to it's original place.  A new strength grips the layers stitching them closed, old wounds heal without scarring.

Awaken a new day, a light fills the closing gap.  She opens her eyes, and sees the warmth dancing, twinkling before her.

Hello world....this is me...

Perseptions, wonderful things that come at as from all around; especially for me at this time of year.  Whether it's how society percieves us to be or what we set ourselves up for is anyone's guess - but the echo's are forever endless.  I learnt recently what a difference one perception can make to how you view the world.  To think that one may love and cherish you above all else is merely a perception unless actions are taken to prove otherwise.  If and when proved through another action the perseption alters and a dimmer view is cast upon how you view it.

Intentions are another interesting thing, you intend to be the best you - you can be, and for what?  To gratify another?  To make that difference, be that change.  Does it really matter at the end of the day what the rest of the world thinks - as long as you can sleep sound at night with the knowledge that you are who you are and anyone else who thinks less of you can take a fucking big running jump into the oblivion. Others you'd wish nothing more than a slow painful death, nothing less than they rightly deserve.

I hate Christmas, and only recenlty learnt why.  The feelings of loneliness and not being quite good enough always spring to mind - but in the end they as most thoughts do - belong to another.  So this year will be different.  The first family Christmas in over 20 years.  Small, and going to be alcohol induced fun.  Bring on the margaritas, the lemon and the lime.  To hell with the presents, and lets all have a gay merry ole time.  May you find that gift you wish for, whether from within or with out, may the darkness lift like veiled spirits, and lets all give a shout.  It's a time for living, for rememberance and for joy.  And if you really don't like that present, ask Santa for another toy..

Merry Christmas... and Santa - define good.

Happy New Year.  I don't want to eat drink and be Mary - she's my sister in law.  Eww I really don't want to have to shag my brother =  I think this year I'll be Jane.